Well, I'm D Rock and I'm here to sayI watchSurvivorall night and I rap all dayI come up with dope rhymes hour after hourLike an unlimited full-fledged Medallion of PowerPeople trying to go front like my rapping ain't mightyThey be full of more crap than Christian's tighty-whiteysIf you want to know the score, the votes you need to tallyBut I always vote from my heart for the one and only Sally…
Okay, okay, you may look at that above and be like "Don't quit your day job!" But my day job for the past 25 years has been to document every minute detail of a reality television program, which some might opine is not any more ridiculous a profession than embarking on a career as a reality TV rapper.
I'm not saying I'm any Mike Boogie (the patron saint of white reality TV rappers thanks to his many "Chill Town" raps on season 2 ofBig Brother). Apparently, I may not even be anyJeff Probst! Forget about fried chicken and waffles. That issoooooooseason 48. Because now Probst is going full MC! He delivered his "drop your buffs" message through the awesome power of song!
Many of you, no doubt, may have been wildly confused whenSurvivor's Hostmaster General started dropping bars (after literally asking the contestants to give him a beat!), but this was actually a not-so-surprising development. Because, I don't know if you all have been paying attention, but Probst has gotten weird, y'all. Wonderfully, wackily weird.
There was that time he randomly impersonated a gargoyle onSurvivor 44. Or the bizarre fried chicken and waffles chant he somehow coerced contestants to engage with him in. Also, starting in the new era, approximately once a year, Probst will, for no discernable reason, start talking in a Shakespearean accent. Just out of nowhere. Again, for no reason!
The host's pure masterstroke ofSurvivorweirdness, however, came not on the island but in the studio. And it was courtesy of a legit 1980s hair metal anthem Probst recorded for the new season titled "Survivor 50 Come and Get it." I could attempt to describe it to you, but it is honestly beyond description. If you have yet to inject this arena rock masterpiece directly into your veins, then I direct you to the video below.
You can talk all the Harry Styles, T-Swift, and dude who does flips off a piano all you want, but if "Survivor 50 Come and Get it" does not win a Grammy, then the Grammys are a complete farce and need to be done away with immediately. I HAVE LISTENED TO THAT SONG ON REPEAT FOR THE PAST MONTH AND WILL NEVER STOP!
The point is: Probst has entered his IDGAF era, and I am here for it. I mean, unless I misread the entire "In the Hands of the Fans" campaign and viewers ordered the host to perform his best Big Daddy Kane impression, I'm pretty sure this was entirely his call, and what I am fascinated more by is not even that he decided to do it, but what made him even thinktodo it? Like, how in his mind did he even get fromI need to tell the tribes it is time to swaptoI should come up with a dope-ass rhyme that sounds like a deep cut Def Jam B-side from 1986?
Actually, on second thought, don't answer that question! I don't want to know! The power of the rap lies in the murky mystery behind it. But I love that Probst has been letting his freak (and, apparently, funky!) flag fly lately. And judging by thatshot of him in the trailerand what he said onThe Tonight Show, he may even getweirderthis season and compete alongside players in a challenge. I don't know how. I don't know why. All I know is… YES.
After hosting the same show for 50 seasons, it would be so damn easy for this guy to coast, or mail it in, or whatever other terminology you want to use. He could just stand there, tell people to "Come on in," look stoic, snuff a few torches, and call it day. And you know what? If he did that, it would completely escape notice. Nobody would care and nobody would have the opportunity to rip it apart on social media. He could so easily just play it safe.
But he's not! He's doing exactly what he asked the cast to do at the marooning. Probst told the players he wanted them to giveevvvvvvvvvverything. I was squatting on the sand a few feet away when he did that and I was honestly a little bit scared at the intensity of Probst's facial reaction when he said it. He wanted full, 100 percent commitment, and if he was going to ask the cast to risk public embarrassment, he was going to have to lead by example and risk it himself. He absolutelyhadto know the internet was going to have a field day with him rapping… and this mofo went and did it anyway!
I love it so much. I mean,of courseI do. I am planet Earth's number one supporter and campaigner ofepic vote deliveries.I'm the guy that did an insanely in-depth oral history of aHeroes vs. Villainsreality TV rock bandand then turned into an impromptu record label and went and released "The Ponderosa EP." (See below)
The more off-the-wall the better in my book. The fact that I have no idea what musical genre Probst is going to randomly dabble in next brings me unlimited joy. It is truly giving meevvvvvvvvvverything.
Okay, let's get into all else that went down on episode 3 ofSurvivor 50in what is shaping up to be an unbelievable season so far. Seriously, how good has this season been? We are six hours in and every single one of them has been glorious. Oh, and a little side programming note before we get into the recap: Don't forget to keep voting in our dailySurvivorwinners bracket! Let's now go through all the new tribes and what went down on each of the beaches.
Emily tells everyone everything
The obvious first takeaway from the new Vatu is that theDavid vs. Goliathpower trio had been reunited under one virtual roof.Christian,Angelina, andMikeare back together again, although my pre-game interviews seemed to indicate that Christian was definitely the third wheel in that scenario, so we'll see if that ends up playing out at all.
There were also three original Vatu inQ,Stephenie, and Angelina, but the difference was that Q did not have a vote. (And Angelina was much more likely to ditch original Vatu for herDavid vs. Goliathcrew.) Q's lost vote was a potential game-changer because it meant that even ifEmilyandOzzydiddecide to go with them, the best they could hope for was a tie, and if you are Emily or Ozzy, do you really want to go to rocks and risk going home for people you tribed up with a day ago? And are you willing burn your idol in that situation? No. No, you are not.
Of course, the cruel irony is that Q lost his vote when he gave it to… Ozzy. And Ozzy lost it a day before retribing when he gave it to…Cirie. I have to imagine Q was none too thrilled when he heard about that. And I assume that conversation must have happened and simply did not make the final edit because if I am Q, the first thing I ask Ozzy when we hit the beach together is about getting my vote back.
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But enough about all that nonsense because we need to talk about Emily Flippen and we need to talk about her immediately. WHAT IS SHE DOING?!?!?!??!?! She's telling Q and Ozzy aboutAubry's idol. She's telling Angelina that Q and Stephenie want her out even though at that point she's not even sure what side of the vote she wants to be on.
It's never a good sign when an alliance partner says the following: "I've made a terrible mistake. And you're going to hate me, and I need you to forgive me." No wonder Christian was busy karate-chopping air in his frustration during his confessional interview over Emily spilling the beans (did fans vote for beans this season?) to anyone who would listen. That has to be SO frustrating.
"Why would she do this?" he asked to no one in particular. Why, indeed.
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Ghosts ofSurvivorpast
Old Kalo definitely had the upper hand in new Cila as Charlie,Dee,Jonathan, andKamillahas an instant majority alongsideRickand Cirie from old Cila andRizofrom old Vatu. And sure enough, we already got a scene of Dee and Jonathan talking about the need to get rid of Cirie. But the person doing himself no favors was the R-I-Z-G-O-D.
Not only was his incessant yapping making Cirie want to headbackto the couch, but Rizo's efforts to get close to Charlie by telling him about the Billie Eilish Boomerang Idol backfired when — seemingly a few hours after asking Charlie if hestill spoke to the womanwho cost him $1 million — Rizo told the tribe thatSophi Balerdi(a.k.a. Blue Sophi… a.k.a. Other Sophi… a.k.a. Soph) was his 49 bestie but that he actually voted forSavannahto win the game.
For Charlie to hear that someone who may later decide his final Tribal Council fate did not vote for the person he told them was his closest ally… well, it was still too soon. "That pissed me off," said Charlie, clearly retreating into an emotional fetal position. "It made me want to send him home, and maybe that's some baggage that I carry, but that's the reality of the situation. I do not want him within an inch of a jury seat. As far as I'm concerned, he's lost that right."
Wow. Powerful stuff. Of course, it would have been evenmorepowerful had it been delivered in the form of a rap, but we'll still take it. And who would have thought that Sophi andMariawould be playing such a big role onSurvivor 50?
Chrissy feels déjà vu all over again
Honor and integrity time, people! I mentioned in mycover storythat it was pretty clear there was a pre-game honor and integrity alliance involving folks likeCoach,Colby, Jonathan,Joe, and Stephenie, so it was no surprise at all that Coach, Colby, and Joe immediately gravitated towards each other like my right and left hands simultaneously reaching for the last can of Milwaukee's Best.
But while the big burly dude alliance might be the strategic headline, the interesting stuff was with the women. First, we had the heartbreaking scene of Chrissy being clued in to the fact that she was rubbing people in the game the wrong way… again. "Last time I playedSurvivor,I was really aware that I was not well liked," Chrissy told us, and this was a theme we discussed inour pre-game interview(which I highly recommend you read). "I just feel like whenever I come out here, people just don't like me."
This scene was a perfect reminder as to why returning player seasons can hit much harder than a newbie installment. It's not just that the show can bring back people that are great on camera. It's that they all bring some sort of baggage from the game back into the game, meaning it isseenbaggage that the viewer already has a pre-existing knowledge of and relationship with.
What I mean is, we have seen literallyhundredsof new players come in and talk about how they were bullied in high school, or didn't fit in, or weren't liked back in their normal life. It's universally relatable, of course, but lacks the specifics the viewer can latch on to and have a memory of. But when you hear about Charlie talking about still having baggage from the Maria vote, or Chrissy crying about being so unliked by her cast,weremember that. We know the exact instances to which they are referring. It's not just their history, it'sourhistory watching this story play out. Which means it is another level of investment.
The fact that I watched this play out on season 35, spoke to Chrissy about it back then, spoke about it with her two days before then game began, and then watched her watching the whole thing possibly playing out all over again right before her eyes is a remarkable dramatic dividend that has now been paid. And if you watched her on that season, and read those brutal season 35 exit interviews, and then read my pre-50 chat with Chrissy, it paid off for you as well. Such a great scene.
The other noticeable thing about new Kalo did not have a lot to do with history but rather very clever editing as producers put together a masterful montage ofGenevieveworking the entire tribe against Aubry. We essentially saw Genevieve having the same conversation and using the same language, but cut between her individual talks with everyone on the tribe. Naturally one of those people,Tiffany, immediately went and reported it back to Aubry. Good thing she is suddenly BFFs with Billie Eilish!
Guided by voices
What a major disappointment. I'm talking, of course, about the fact that more groin-shots were not present on this season's blindfold challenge. Yes, Devens got close to hitting his "Uncle Rick." Sure, the hoop landing on Rizo's head was fun. And Colby taking a shot to the noggin not dissimilar to one I took when I ran this course in season 46 was a welcome addition, but I still was hoping for more bodily carnage, if I'm going to be completely honest.
So we'll focus on the puzzle instead. I can't really judge how well Kamilla did on it since her tribe (Cila) had such a massive lead so there was no one to compare her to, but it seems like Kamilla gave a typically strong effort. But what wecando is compare Chrissy (for Kalo) and Christian (for Vatu). Christian is excellent at puzzles. We've seen this going all the way back to his very first marooning puzzle onDavid vs. Goliath.
So it should speak volumes that Chrissy absolutely, positivelydustedhim on this one. Just a total obliteration. For the loser, it was like the challenge equivalent of s----ing your pants. (Too soon?) But it once again established Chrissy — who co-owns the record for most individual immunity wins by a woman in a single season — as a puzzle force to be reckoned with. And I bet her tribe likes her just fine after that performance.
Christmas has been uncanceled!
There were a lot of shenanigans going on back at new Vatu after the tribe lost the immunity contest. Mike convinced Stephenie and Q that his side was all voting for Stephenie, and for some reason they decided to believe him. Meanwhile, Q's solution was to tell Mike to vote… for him! He did this by selling to Mike it would avoid a tie, but in what world would Team DVG want to be on the shorter end of an avoided tie? At least Q's odd strategy gave us this gem of a quote: "Stephenie is my number one, and if you know something about me, the only person that can turn and vote out my number one is me."
While these moves were fairly nonsensical, I did think it was a decent enough play for Q to bluff having anextravote. I don't know how believable it was, but at least that had the possibility of spooking the other side into thinking they may not have the numbers.
Q's fate lay in the hands of Emily and Ozzy, and it's never a good sign when one of those people is telling the camera, "There is something particularly delicious about voting off Q because I think he genuinely thinks he is pulling one over on us." What we will never know is how this vote may have been changed had Ozzy not given Cirie his extra vote.
Because Ozzy clearly wanted to keep Q, but with only three votes between the four of them, the most Stephenie, Q, Ozzy, and Emily could have done is force a tie — which, again, is not very appealing from the Ozzy and Emily perspective. But if Ozzy had kept that extra vote and they had the clear numbers majority, would he have pushed harder to keep Q and break up theDavid vs. Goliathtrio? It's fascinating the way that one decision may have potentially massively altered the game. And Q's fate.
At the risk of repeating myself, this was a stellar episode in what has been a dynamite run ofSurvivorso far this season. Even with all the bells and whistles, the focus has been firmly on the cast, and they have delivered in a massive way. They're hiding fake idols at Tribal Council. They're spilling intel from allies to enemies for no reason. They're digging up old demons. It's all working.
And I will keep working right alongside with it. Make sure to check out our recentSurvivor 50Mystery Boxfull of exclusive behind-the-scenes goodies, take ourUltimateSurvivorquiz, and go vote in ourSurvivorwinners bracket game. And because we could not decide who on this cast was the most extra, weasked the cast to tellus!Also keep your eyes peeled out for my exit interview with Quintavius as well as my conversation with Probst, which is 100 percent about his rapping and nothing else. Because that is just the way I roll. See you next week with another scoop of the crispy!
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